(CrэpйPastа) Unturned.exe

[FlodotelitoKifo]

(reminder: this post is a satire on shitty creepypastas like Sonic.exe)

This is 101% true guys. It did happen I swear. I was there.

So, I was playing epic Fortnite with my friend when suddenly mom said there was a package for me at the door. Once I died to some skull trooper I went to get it, and when I opened it there was a CD that said “Unturned.exe made by Nelson”, but all writen in Russian. I put the CD on my computer to see what was in it, and there was a “read-me” file in it, along with an Unturned.exe file and game files.

I opened the read-me.txt file, and it was just a bunch of 6’s and Chinese symbols. What I found eerie, however, was the 6th line, that said “I am lost find me help quick hes” I found that strange, so I closed it and booted up the game.

The game crashed about 6 times, then when I was about to give up, it finally loaded. Everything was in Sugondese Russian again, so I clicked on whatever I thought was the play button. I finally found the tutorial, so I clicked it. The loading screen was nothing but a black screen and a red text saying “your a troublemaker.” It bothered me at first, as it’s supposed to be you’re*. As expected, the tutorial was in Russian, but I think I have done it right.

I decided to play on a singleplayer map before I played on servers, so I went for a map selection. Again, all maps were in Russian, but there was something off. All the thumbnails were black and red, as if to imply the sea and sky were made of blood or something. The only map that wasn’t like that was “lair”. It was separate from other maps, and had a dead yellow guy in the invisible ground.

I launched it, and I heard my computer making “satanic loading graphics on ultra” noises, when I checked the game was using 100% of my disc (oh no!).

The map was loaded. It was just a white floor, and a white sky. Every time I walked, paths of blood would appear under me, and the footstep sound was replaced by the sound of stepping on corpses and what I assume that were russian people complaining in agony. After like 10 minutes of pure walking the voices started screaming, and another said in “RUN” in english. A cross appeared out of nowhere, but when I looked at it, I started falling, then I died.
I couldn’t respawn. I couldn’t even leave the game. Then a friend of mine appeared behind me and asked:

…

“Dude, what were you doing all this time? It’s been 2 months.”

…

I couldn’t reply. My mouth didn’t respond. My body didn’t move. I just stared at him. Then I realized: this game is cursed.

My computer turned off itself, and I could talk again. I said “what happened?” And he said: “don’t worry. Run.” I didn’t understand, but it was too late. He was in the shape of a yellow rotting man in red, about to kill me. He first cut my legs (I don’t remember how) and was about to destroy me, bit suddenly SANS UNDERTALE FORTNITE DANCE appeared and ate his ass

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[Pesticide]

[Pesticide]

3 spooky 5 me

[anon67155151]

Its like when you were born, and god was filling out your character creation sheet he put all of your points into shitposting and nothing else

edit I thought pesky was the OP whoops lmao

[Pesticide]

Even though it was a mistake, Your spot on

[FlodotelitoKifo]

Can y’all talk about the post please

I didn’t waste my half an hour for this

[GreatHeroJ]

@FlodotelitoKifo

half an hour

look at this guy, he actually keeps track of the un-vast amounts of time he puts into his suggestions

[anon95004049]

epic russian words troleld epic هذه “الكلمة الروسية هاها” القرف ليست مضحgamer كة حقا ، وهذا الخط المتكرر ل family guyكمة مطارد هو القرف سخي epicsauce ف مطلقة comm باللون الأحمر تحتاج بجدية للعمل على روحك الدعابة إذا كان كل ما يمكنك أن تصل إليه هو “haha look funny russian stuff I’m a creative” "fucking stop this shit، you can’tn’t get any more ununny than this

وبطريقة عشوائية في إظهار “نظرة على بلدي مطارد صورة مضحكة” قد حصلت القديمة بسرعة. يمكنك أن Peter Gabriel تراهن أن الكثير من الناس في هذا المنتدى أقل من

حفنة منهم في الواقع يعتقدون أنه مضحك عندماPeter Gryphon تقول

“blayt !!!” أو أي شيء آخر على هذا المنوال

أود أن أقول لكFront Door أن تتوقف عندما تكون متقدمًا ، لكنك سخيف جدًا وراء هذا الضوء لا يزال بحاجة إلى اللحاق

[anon24515308]

That better be one hell of a reply you’re typing. (How long is it gonna take you?)

[anon95004049]

On the Pine Ridge discord, he said that he was responding to the actual creepypasta. Also wheover just breiefly liked and then revoked their like the reply i was of ,g pimj nn[op

[Pork]

It’s a 10 page thesis on the functionality, humor, and general consensus on memes.

[MoltonMontro]

The following is a forum-integrated transcript of Molt’s latest hit livestream: [Debunking Creepypastas] Ep. #182 “Unturned.exe”

“TEA BUNKER DEBUNKER MOLT” HERE, BRINGING TO YOU LIIIIVE ANOTHER CREEPYPASTA DEBUNKIN’ KAZAHM!

People are always gettin’ fooled by fools! My job is to fix that. Welcome, Tea-bunkers, to “Unturned.exe” as posted by this “Flodotololtetio’etoKifo” character, anonymously.

Let’s start pointing out the “flaws” in this otherwise masterpiece of a fake creepypasta. I know you guys all want to find a creepypasta that is actually real, and one day we will, but I can safely confirm that this one is not, despite how it may appear to you common-folk.

@FlodotelitoKifo

This is 101% true guys.

Not many people know this, but something can’t actually be “101%” true! See, truthfulness is capped at 100%, which it will rarely ever reach.^[1] It’s a real shame, but that is the truth, and I can 100% guarantee that!

MOOOOVING ONNNN…

@FlodotelitoKifo

So, I was playing epic Fortnite with my friend when suddenly mom said there was a package for me at the door. Once I died to some skull trooper I went to get it, and when I opened it there was a CD that said “Unturned.exe made by Nelson”, but all writen in Russian. I put the CD on my computer to see what was in it, and there was a “read-me” file in it, along with an Unturned.exe file and game files.

Quick, flash round!

1. You don’t just “play” Fortnite.
2. The epicness of Fortnite is epicly debatable.
3. “epic Fortnite” is just a pun due to it being made by “Epic Games!”
4. OP doesn’t have friends!^[2]
5. No parent person just leaves packages unattended at the door, your mother would’ve brought it to your room unless she suffered from crippling back pains and the box was excessively large, awkward, and/or heavy despite just being a CD.
6. Skull trooper stopped being a relevant foe long ago!
7. OP can read Russian, or knows how to use Google Translate. Both are very rare traits! It’s not often you see someone know how to do either of those. They are equally rare and challenging to accomplish, indeed!
8. OP implies they have a CD drive, but if they were a real gamer in 2018 they wouldn’t bother with such things and instead make their device as incompatible with external (and internal) hardware as possible in favor of something gimmicky but kinda-cool-in-a-“kinda mediocre”-(at best)-way!
9. “read-me” is actually typically always stylized as “README,” hmmm!

Now, on to the part that convinced most people this was real (although this super intentionally obvious detail is irrelevant, in fact).

@FlodotelitoKifo

there was a “read-me” file in it, along with an Unturned.exe file and game files.

I opened the read-me.txt file,

In case you’re literally just a pile of rocks in a shoe, I’ll explain why literally everyone (even WatchMojo!) found this to be the most pivotal evidence to its proof. See, if this “FlododelteloleoKifo” hadn’t followed up with the second mentioning of the “read-me” file as actually “read-me.txt,” then we would’ve thought that it’d have to be fake due to file extensions being obviously enabled for the “Unturned.exe” but not the “read-me!”

This intentionally blatant “subtle…” “bit” tricks us into thinking it has to be real since he mentions the file extensions for not just one, but both! However, this is his downfall!

See, barely anyone (people, to be specific) will actually go and enable the viewing of file extensions, especially in the region OP is from.^[3] This is due to the per capita (in US dollars) amount of dairy consumed. It’s a direct correlation, see for yourself!^[4]

At this point, I know some of you hardcore-believers really want this one to be true, and will still fight me over it. I get it, I really do! The facts I’ve provided just aren’t good enough to stand on their own. I mean, with remarks like this next one, who wouldn’t believe FlodoKifotelito?

@FlodotelitoKifo

The game crashed about 6 times, then when I was about to give up, it finally loaded.

@FlodotelitoKifo

The loading screen was nothing but a black screen and a red text saying “your a troublemaker.” It bothered me at first, as it’s supposed to be you’re*.

But wait… why wouldn’t OP have expressed his displeasure with the read-me file too! Look at this shoddy English, look! Look!

@FlodotelitoKifo

“I am lost find me help quick hes”

@FlodotelitoKifo

hes

What!? Now, I’m sure some of you are thinking that “Hey! Maybe it’s not meant to be [he’s] and is a different word entirely!” You’re probably right.

Sorry.

@FlodotelitoKifo

As expected, the tutorial was in Russian, but I think I have done it right.

Ha! Obviously, this is the real evidence. Look, nobody can do a tutorial that isn’t explained to them. Exhibit A: Jet Set Radio (a game where the tutorial is legitimately broken and you have to look up an older guide).^[5]

@FlodotelitoKifo

I decided to play on a singleplayer map before I played on servers,

Steam Achievements and stat trackers would like to have a word with you, OP! People don’t play “single-player.” Heh!

@FlodotelitoKifo

All the thumbnails were black and red, as if to imply the sea and sky were made of blood or something.

Okay, I’ll admit that this bit is sound evidence for it, but the next one? No.

@FlodotelitoKifo

and had a dead yellow guy in the invisible ground.

Like, okay, I get it. Even if the ground is invisible you can still tell it’s ground just by looking at an image. Sure, that’s completely reasonable.

What sets me off here? How would you know if they’re dead! You wouldn’t!

@FlodotelitoKifo

the game was using 100% of my disc (oh no!).

OBJECTION! Oh, yes!

@FlodotelitoKifo

It was just a white floor, and a white sky.

FlodtelelKifo tells a convincing story here, although this evidence for the creepypasta probably flew over most of your heads.^[6] While this may lead to more people claiming this creepypasta is the one holy grail of actually true pastas, I am committed to showing both sides of the argument.

See, just because the ground was invisible in a picture doesn’t mean it couldn’t be in the actual environment!

Wowzers, bet you didn’t expect that! Me neither.

@FlodotelitoKifo

what I assume that were russian people complaining in agony.

This is a neutral claim. I cannot confirm nor deny its truthfulness, but if it is fake it’s manipulating your inner closets to make you support this creepypasta. Tsk, tsk. Fo’ shame (maybe)!

Oh… there’s more? I didn’t read this part, it must be new. Well, I’m already streaming you all you Tea-bunkers live, so let’s finish this still fake creepypasta once and for all, and remember to hit that new “LIKE, SUBSCRIBE, COMMENT, SHARE, AND BELL NOTIFICATION BUTTON” for a chance to win 5 V-BUCKS AND A SHINY MEW!

@FlodotelitoKifo

I couldn’t reply. My mouth didn’t respond. My body didn’t move. I just stared at him. Then I realized: this game is cursed.

Oh…

@FlodotelitoKifo

My computer turned off itself, and I could talk again. I said “what happened?” And he said: “don’t worry. Run.” I didn’t understand, but it was too late.

Oh, oh no…

@FlodotelitoKifo

He was in the shape of a yellow rotting man in red, about to kill me. He first cut my legs (I don’t remember how) and was about to destroy me,

Oh, dear God no…

@FlodotelitoKifo

suddenly SANS UNDERTALE FORTNITE DANCE appeared and ate his ass

Welp. I’m sorry to say this guys, but at the same time this is tremendously amazing news… After having read this concluding section, I must… indeed… officially confirm this as 101% true.

I can’t believe w̥̝̦ha҉̰̯̩̫͍ṯ͎͠ ͍͕ͅh̢ap͏͔̜̺̺p̳̪̪̺̣̰͞e͍̭̝͎n̨e̼̩̙͉̳̞d̲̝͖̘̘̙. We’ve finally confirmed a creepypasta as true. Ị͞ ̢̩͓̳̙h͚̙a͘v̰͕e̲̤̳̗͍̪ ̸̮̻̜̲d̶͕̝͙̳̜̦̹o̹͕ṇ̠̣̣̜̞̗e̠̺̦̩ ̵͇ḭ̭͠t̠͖̜̭̫̦̪͜,̴̻͍͙͓͙̣͕ ̙r̡̪̮̦̝̳̬̗i̸ͅg͓͈ḫ̻̩̲̲̯̖́ṱ̭̖͕̬͕̖?͖̲ A̤̻̹̝͉̻̣f̨̥͚̫̬te̢̳r̦̝͙ ́1̮̲͍̟͇̟́ͅ0͇͇̺͡ ͈m҉̝̩̱̜i̙̰͎͍̥͖n̰̜͍̠ų̮̝t̬͙͈̙̖̹é̫̫̠s̮̤ ͕o̞̜̜͍͎̠f̪̞̰͖̳̺ͅ ̜̩̟̺̹̮̟͢p̯̺͖̪͔̲͙u̢̬̫̯̭̬̮r̯̦̬͡ḛ̮̤͕̞͟ c̻̰̞͎̥o͏͇̬͖̖̖m̗p̱͚͘ḷ͉͖͙ͅa̢̰i̯n͝ḭ̭̥n̢̬g͝ ̸̬i̺n҉̟͙̘̻͉̫̮ ̧͈͓̲͇ạ͓̗̞̳̕g̩̩͖̣̟̀o̸̙̳͕̩̞̥̰n͚̣ͅy̛.̥̰̣͉͍̼ ̹̻̣̞̱̳̖P͖͎̻͇͙̗̫͢e̛o̻̳͚̹͍p̹̣̙̟̩͘l̵̬̗̠͍͓̪̟e̝̫̟͎͍̝̦ ̹͚̳̳̮͙i͕̜̜̥n͙̻ ̪͓̯a̷̦͉̭͍ͅg҉̼̙̪̦̦ơ̮͇͚n̸̻̝̬y̨̮.̖͕͞ ͢Ṯ̺̰͉h̀e̢͎͚ ̸v͏̼̼͉̩̥o̩̖̲̘ͅị̮͕͎̼̲̥͢c̮͎e̮̟̥ͅs̤̙̮͙ ͕͍̲̬̩̻̬͢s͖t̢̹̻͈a̮͔͚̫r͍͍̦͚̤ͅt̷̜̥͓̮͙͉̦e̫̠d̫̗̰̘͠ ̺̜ͅs̙̺̩̗c͠r̖̪̩̦̘̗͡e̹̳̹͖a͢m̸͙͙̣ị̠̬̘̞͜ń̖̼̙g̶̦̳̩̜.͟ ̲̣̱̪̦I ͅc̺̥͘o̥̞ul͓͈d̵͈̙̘n̹̺͍̦̖̠’̧͙̲͙͉ţ̱̻̦͎.̷̜̼̫̻̦̬͔
̫͚̝͠

R̶̥̗̬̱i̲̲͈̫͇g̩̝̘͔h̴̟̝̮t̸͍̝̩͉.̰͖̳͈̰͖͜.̢̞̰͇̱̺̻̟.̫͉̩̮͟ ̺̼͖̥͈̠͘I̠͖͈̬̞̹͔ h҉̟̺̤ad͔̮͔̤͢ ̠̹̼̗d̫̭̘̬̝̱́o̖͎̼͚̝̦̤n͕̲̰͇̬͞ͅè͉͚͔ ͖̫̕í͍̬t̲̘̤͝.

͍͙͙̩͖

W͍͔͔̮͎̜̪h̝ą̜̬̜̰͚t̮̲̘ ̤̭͇̳͓h̜a̪̲̘̞p͚̩p̸̙̭̠͖e͍̭͚̥̺̗͜n͖̮̤̯̼̣e̤͙̩̦̹̹̞d̤̻̱̞̙́?͍̼̤̪̜͡ ̮̱͓ͅOh̶̥͎͉̜̼̟,̜̘̘̠̳̣͚͞ ̭̘̮̤̯͔̞͜no̗̩̰.̥͙.̼.̣̰̖ ͙̼̺ḏ̶̳̞o̼͍̺̯͢n͠’̰̰̣̘̰͍̟t̥̟̦͇ ̪̠̝̯̹w̥or̨͓̥̦͓̞r̰̹̭̺̠y ̡̲a̡̭̳̪̜̟ͅb̸͕̺o̼͙͉̪̹̜ṵ̩̰̲̬̺ṯ̸ ̴͉̹̗̟͈̠̞t͈͕͍͉͓͉̱͞h̺͝a̗t͕̫̜̙̘͙̘.̼̟͖͖̖̟^[7]

[anon95004049]

okb good

---

[Aj_Gaming]

@MoltonMontro

TEA BUNKER DEBUNKER MOLT” HERE, BRINGING TO YOU LIIIIVE ANOTHER CREEPYPASTA DEBUNKIN’ KAZAHM!

Ive always wanted to draw one of the forum members sitting, and drinking out of a mug. Now I have a reason. Prepare yersmelf

[Pesticide]

Holy shit you went full FBI on this shit

[anon36099209]

You can see that molton has been snap’d by Thanos in the end for nitpicking.

[anon24515308]

@Aj_Gaming

Ive always wanted to draw one of the forum members sitting, and drinking out of a mug.

That’s a weirdly specific thing to have wanted. It’s even weirder because this your usage of this forum, this forum itself, and your very existence haven’t always been there, but this desire has.

[Aj_Gaming]

wELL, NOT aLwAyS

More of thought of it one day, but didnt have a reason for doing it, so yeah XD

[anon95004049]

seeing as you’re allowed to c l o g g a post about a creepypasta with epic stalker because there’s russian in the title i’ll just start spamming by gay furry shit unwarranted whenever i feel like it